FOR many people, the world of autonomous sensory meridian responses (ASMR) offers a kaleidoscope of tingles, euphoria and calm.
Celebrities swear up and down they can’t fall asleep without the healing sounds of an ASMR video in their ears.
Many believers describe the feeling of ASMR as something akin to a “brain orgasm”, or even a “brain massage”, where certain sounds like chewing, crunching or tapping can trigger tingling sensations or induce sleep.
But for the rest of the population, this new internet trend conjures images of unemployed youths, sitting in their childhood bedroom, stroking their mum’s hairbrush suggestively for money.
And boy, do they make money.
I first came across ASMR in a story about 13-year-old Makenna Kelly, who rakes in more than $1000 a day by crunching on raw honeycomb or blowing bubbles into her microphone.
She’s now so famous she doesn’t even have to buy her own video props because fans just send her the stuff they want her to stroke and eat.
Creepy.
When I was 13, I had about five bucks in a Dollarmite account and had to beg my mum for money to buy a Milko at the tuckshop.
But you know, different strokes.
As I soon learned, however, ASMR isn’t just a career option for tiny infants.
Celebrities like Jake Gyllenhaal, Dakota Fanning, Cardi B and Janet Jackson have also dabbled in ASMR creation.
Even Ikea filmed a 25-minute ASMR video, featuring a subdued narrator who whispered tips to decorate your college dorm room.
In this, the hands of some beautiful blonde Swede can be seen tucking in Ikea sheet sets, tapping on an Ikea mattress and running across wardrobe coat hangers, making a pleasant wind-chimey sound.
“That sound so lovely,” the mystery Ikea employee whispers.
Sure, if you’re into that sort of stuff.
As I read about this strangely sexual phenomenon from my desk at work, a thought suddenly hit me like a bolt out of the blue.
What the hell am I doing in this job, when I could be earning thousands of dollars a day by screwing around and eating off my bedroom floor?!
I mean, I do that every weekend anyway, why not get a microphone and make some cash while I’m at it?
So I enlisted the help of my colleague Issey to make an ASMR video and kick start our true careers.
ASMR videos can run anywhere from 5 minutes to an hour, depending on the dedication of the artist to keep their voice frustratingly low and find enough crap in their pantry to munch.
Obviously, we didn’t have time for that, but we managed to talk our videographer into giving us a couple of minutes of his time in the studio at work.
The people who make these videos like to call themselves “ASMRtists” and take their jobs very seriously indeed.
So that’s exactly what we were for the day: Just a couple of ASMRtists with some sounds to make and some spines to tingle.
But with wha t, you ask?
A quick root around our cupboards at home dug up some shaving cream, a box of BBQ Shapes and a jar of Vegemite.
To get the advantage on our existing competitors, we decided to go rogue and channel the spirit of Australia through our ASMR art (ASMRt?).
A trip to Woolies and the local two dollar shop got us an impressive selection of the true Aussie greats: Cheezels, Weet-Bix, Tim Tams, a pie, sunscreen and beer.
While we gave it a red hot go, in the end, the sponsorship deals and envelopes full of cash did not arrive as quickly as we had hoped.
In fact, they did not arrive at all.
We just ended up eating a bunch of junk food and getting a two-beer buzz on in the studio.
Upon reflection, we probably shouldn’t have spent all of our money on Caramello Koalas and two-minute noodles.
Or quit our jobs the moment we had this idea.
But life is a learning curve, and at least we have enough food to last until we find new jobs.
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